Supporting a Loved One in Pain: Finding Common Ground
It’s incredibly difficult when someone you care about is struggling, and even more challenging when they reach out for help. As a mental trainer, I often find myself wrestling with feelings of frustration and helplessness. It’s not always easy to know what to say or how to help, especially when the situation feels far beyond our control.
Being close to someone who is self-destructive or in deep emotional pain can be heart-wrenching for everyone around them—family, friends, and even trained professionals like psychologists or coaches. The big question is: what are you supposed to do?
First of all, it’s important to acknowledge our own limitations. I’m not a psychologist, and I’m not qualified to treat serious psychological disorders. But sometimes, even the professional systems in place seem to fall short. Despite these limitations, there are still ways to offer meaningful support, and I want to share a few thoughts on how we can approach these situations.
When someone is suffering and reaches out, the most crucial thing we can do is establish a common ground. It’s tempting to jump in with solutions, especially if the issue seems obvious from our perspective. But what they really need is for us to listen and respect their reality—however skewed it may seem.
If a person tells you that their self-destructive behavior isn’t the main issue, accept that. In their world, that’s their truth at that moment. Rather than forcing them to confront something they aren’t ready to face, work with what they’re giving you. Finding common ground is the starting point for any real progress.
That doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe around tough issues. You can set boundaries—like saying, “I need you to be sober if we’re going to have this conversation because I respect you, and I want to help.” But remember that when someone is in a very dark place, their perception of reality is often clouded. They may be making decisions based on flawed logic. Our job is to help them sort through the confusion by calmly and respectfully helping them see where things may be going wrong.
Often, if you give someone the space to speak freely, they’ll expose the gaps in their own reasoning. But if you rush to point out the obvious—like saying, “Your problem is drinking, just stop drinking”—you risk making them feel belittled or misunderstood. This can push them further into isolation, which is the last thing they need.
What they need more than anything is to feel seen and heard. They’re already aware, on some level, that something isn’t working. By listening, you help them feel less alone, and in that space of empathy, you can start to gently guide them toward seeing things more clearly.
But even if you can’t “fix” things, it’s okay. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is offer a hug, express your love, and show that you respect them as they are. Don’t get angry or give ultimatums. It’s not about imposing your truth on them but about acknowledging that there are many perspectives—and yours isn’t the only one that matters.
In the end, offering love and understanding, without judgment, is often the greatest gift you can give someone in pain.
Comments